I often feel anxious, like I am inevitably losing something I missed when those last seconds tick down toward the start of a new year, and the loss of an old one. It wasn’t surprising to realize that I didn’t feel that this time. 2011 will always be a year of suffering, a time of learning. I’ll always be grateful for the lessons I’ve learned, no matter how painful the lessons were. I learned what fear, true fear felt like. And hate. Hate is an easy companion to carry. I accepted plenty of hate.
But there was love and discovery. I discovered that I do actually have the capability of loving someone, even though my experience was not one of true love. I was never in love, I know that now. But I know that I’m ready for it now, wherever it may wait for me.
I discovered that I have strength, amazing strength. It’s strength that I don’t fully believe, but I know that I carry it. Otherwise my experience in Canada, flying home alone and cold, leaving behind someone that I wanted to care for more than anything… it would have shattered me.
And it didn’t.
I’m not the helpless, inexperienced girl I once was. I’ve been reshaped by my lessons. I’m less trusting, less open. I’m quieter and less spoken. I listen and observe. I think, probably way too much. And I’m happy, truly, sincerely happy. I love myself, and I don’t think I did before. I work tremendously hard, and I love doing that. I earn what I keep, and I give to those that deserve.
It will always pain me to know that there will never be many that deserve things of my giving, but that’s just reality.
And there will always be that one small compartment of hate in my heart because I fear that if I truly release that, I’ll only be hurt once again. We all build our walls. But that’s simply part of being human.
And I love being human.
Good riddance 2011. Onward to more promising things.