Here’s An April Fools’ Day Rant Which May Make No Sense…

kick me


I always try to prepare myself for April 1st shenanigans: Don’t believe the whole Firefly/Netflix charade, or any Xena movie announcements, or any over-hyped celebrity deaths. I always so focused on preparing myself for the “big” pranks that I tend to completely disregard everything else in life. All of the small things that can so easily make yourself look like a complete basketcase. Like believing that there’s a spider on you to the point where you leap from your chair just to do the “get the hell off of me spider” dance before realizing that you’ve been humiliated by an invisible spider. Like mess up your hair and nearly strip off all of your clothes freak out dance.

Damn you, Ryan.

Or you forget the fact that it’s April Fools’ Day when you walk into your job orientation nearly an hour early… and the presenter tells you that the systems have stopped working so they’ll have to reschedule the orientation. I must have a pretty humorous shocked face, especially when I’m sitting there with a plan formulating in my head. “Okay, we’ll reschedule the orientation, I’ll drive by the grocery store, buy some dog food, buy myself some food because I haven’t eaten yet– oh… you’re joking. You don’t even know me yet and you’re confusing the hell out of me. Thanks a lot!”

Or when you decide after the not-so-canceled orientation to actually go to the grocery store to buy dog food. You’re not getting much. Just a large bag of dog food so you figure that you’ll just carry it without hassling with a shopping cart. And then after you grab this lump of a bag, you remember that your mother wants a bag of Skittles… and for some reason you just can’t carry a bag of dog food and a bag of Skittles. But you manage and you finally reach the front of the express line where everyone in front of you had way more than 10 items… only to have the manager tell you that the cash register isn’t working properly. Of course a wink and a giggle later you realize this was a joke too… but you’ve already picked up this large bag of dog food and Skittles to put back on the shelf because you don’t want anyone else to go through the hassle of doing it themselves.

When you finally get home, your arms are like jelly, you’re worried that the Skittles have melted because Mother Nature decided to randomly toss Chattanooga into summer weather, and you feel like the village idiot who’s being welcomed back into the village of giggling assholes. When did you become so damn gullible? Is there a sign taped to my back? Do I just have a face that welcomes pranksters? Or does April Fools’ Day automatically make some people (like me) more gullible than usual? Because gullible today exists on the ceiling, the floor, and the mirror every time I look in one.

Things became a little easier when I finally got home. I had a cuddly dog waiting for me with this face:



My mother had food ready for me because she’s just that wonderful, I had three full cases of Cherry Coke waiting for me (sponsor, please), and I had made some awesome plans for tomorrow. Of course I would make the mistake of looking at Instagram and believing that G Fuel was seriously introducing a new bacon grease flavor drink. Which made me think about bacon grease. Which made me think about bacon. Which made me want bacon.



So until April Fools’ is over, I’ll be pressing my face against the computer screen while I work on some honest writing… and contemplate on whether or not I should change my hair color. Being blonde on this day is just asking for trouble.


One thought on “Here’s An April Fools’ Day Rant Which May Make No Sense…

  1. I usually am one of the biggest pranksters on April Fool’s Day. Or, at least, I’m a big prankster for my group. But I actually didn’t prank anyone yesterday, and no one pranked me. I guess I was just lucky. Or maybe everyone I know was lucky…

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